Toxic Relationships #101

Toxic relationships happen to most everyone in the dating sphere. For some it can be really easy to walk away from these toxic situations and it can be easy to judge someone that may be with the wrong person. But for other people it’s not so easy. They may not even know the relationship is unhealthy, and those ties that bind them to that person can seem unbreakable. The idea of being able to break away may seem like more work than staying. If you are one of those people that are in an unhealthy or toxic relationship hopefully we can help. 

Does this person respect your or your space?

It’s not uncommon to want to be with someone all of the time. But when you do take a break from constant companionship are you constantly being hounded? Do you receive text after text or back to back phone calls until you return? This can be a sign of distrust but it can also be a sign that something in the relationship just isn’t healthy. There is no reason why you shouldn’t be able to go to work and not have 10 missed calls by your lunch break. There is also no reason that you should be getting called out of your name or belittled. Whether you make less money or have made some mistakes in the past. These aren’t reasons to be constantly disrespected. Especially if someone tells you they love but as soon as things aren’t going their way they throw these things in your face to hurt you. 

When you express yourself, does this person truly hear you?

This can be dealing with your dreams, goals and aspirations or I’m sure you’ve noticed some signs that may not be sitting well with you. If you’ve brought these things to your partners attention, have they made excuses for their ways, using how much they love you to rationalize their own behavior. If they are actively trying to change, that may be great too but that doesn’t mean you need to stick by them while they make these changes. Only you can decide if it’s worth the wait. If there is any abuse at hand, it may be better to just walk away. 

When you leave, do they beg you to stay?

When you finally decide this relationship isn’t for you, it’s not uncommon for that person to beg and plead for you to stay or return. They could be on their hands and knees, crying you rivers of love but beneath it all they are still trying to control the situation. They might even result to stalking. Or try some grand act to win your love only to show you that they are the same person. Don’t get caught up in the theatrics. Anyone who truly loved you would acknowledge the unhealthy behavior and work on themselves rather than continue to hold you hostage. 

What you need to know!

There are kids involved: Whether they are your kids together or just the kids of you or your partner, you can’t feel that staying together is the best option. Kids deserve to see a vibrant, happy and healthy parent or figure in their life. If the other person is making you feel anything other than strong and uplifted then the better situation may be to go. Being a strong role model for your children or their is more important than sticking something out. Whether the children in the situation are yours or not you can allow them to think the behavior your experiencing is okay. Don’t think about staying because of them, consider leaving for you and them. 
You can’t fix them: You may be a psychologist but it wouldn’t be enough to fix a broken person. That can only happen with time and determination on their end. You shouldn’t have to carry the weight of their burdens, no matter how much you love them. If those burdens are causing you to be unwell, in any form, you need to free yourself. This doesn’t just apply to physical abuse. You can be the target of verbal abuse or unsteady mood changes. This person could be putting you at risk because they don’t practice monogamy. These are their burdens and they are not your crosses to bare. 
Reach out to family and friends: Undoubtedly your family and friends may have distanced themselves from you and your partner because of the toxicity. You might feel like they don’t want to hear from you or help but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Reach out to them, they may give you a place to stay if needed. If you don’t have any friends, make some. Find someone you feel you can trust, that doesn’t know your partner and they may be willing to help you. 
Stay strong: I mentioned stalking briefly but you can’t underestimate the power of someone who doesn’t want to see you go. They can pop up at your job, or any other place they feel you might be. Don’t give in. Ignore them when they call or change your number and routine. If it gets too crazy don’t hesitate to call the law. It’s better to be safe than sorry. You have to do this for you. No one else will take your health serious, it’s up to you. 
Not all relationships that exhibit these tendencies are toxic, but if they are something you are dealing with on a regular basis then it may be something to consider. And as always, only you know the best road to your happiness, remove any roadblocks.
**Any tips on how to spot a toxic relationships or ways to get out of one? Share them below!**

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IFYAM: Stop Being The “Crazy” Girlfriend

This is an ode to all of the crazy girlfriends out there. Let’s just take a step back and chill!

First off, you may be asking your self, “Am I a crazy girlfriend?” Chances are, if you have to ask, you already know. I don’t like to uplift the crazy but I can’t deny that I have been the crazy girlfriend a time or two before. What causes the crazy girlfriend to wil’ out and not care who’s looking? If you are crazy, how do you change? Coming from a semi reformed crazy girlfriend, let me help you. Put your hand in my hand, let’s take a walk, I promise I won’t look anywhere else but into your eyes😍.

What causes you or your girlfriend to go crazy!? This could be a number of things, but let’s just touch on some of the key factors.

  1. Past relationships or past incidents in the current relationship can cause a girlfriend to be on edge. Once something happens to break trust in can be hard to not be on the defensive. If you’ve lied about something important or said you were one place when you were somewhere totally different, don’t be surprised if your girlfriend is tracking you via Find My iPhone. Now you word isn’t good enough, she needs physical proof that you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing. Yes, it’s your fault!
  2. Insecurities can  also play a big part in the crazy girlfriends way of thinking. If she doesn’t feel beautiful, she’s going to assume you are finding beauty in all of the photos of those Instagram girls with the big butts and boobs we can only get if we manage to win a Dr. Miami body makeover giveaway. Next time you see Bernice Burgos Instagram fellas just keep scrolling. Do you really need to double tap that? Gosh!
  3. She might not even know she’s being crazy! Sometimes, what you might think is crazy, is really just normal behavior for her. She’s done these things so much and so often she’s not even aware that she might be taking things a bit too far with you. Maybe she doesn’t need to have her friends following you to work to make sure you stay there all day. Plus if she’s tracking you via Find My iPhone, it’s just overkill.
  4. Take a look at your self. Really ask your self, what might you be doing to encourage this behavior. Yes, everyone has the right to choose there reaction to the stimuli in front of them. But you can only ask so much of your significant other. Are there things she’s been asking you to do or not do that you’ve failed to pay attention to?

So it’s broken, how do you fix it?

I though you’d never ask! There two parts to this, if you’re a crazy girlfriend, we’ll talk to you first. You have no patience!

  1. Work on yourself! There’s no better way to work on your quality of life than to improve upon yourself. Maybe you need to seek counseling, to help you get rid of that baggage or maybe you just need to share how it is affecting you with your current partner. Sometimes the best way to let go of somethings is to just put it all out there until you feel better. If you need help sticking to a goal, check this article out.
  2. Tell yourself you are beautiful! It sounds so cliche but it can work wonders. And if you don’t believe it when you are saying it, it doesn’t hurt to change things up a bit. Try a new hairstyle, go to the gym or buy some new clothes. I know there are so many things you’ve been thinking about doing but you can’t do them because you’re trying to make sure you don’t miss something bad that hasn’t happened yet. Go take care of yourself and don’t worry about anyone else.
  3. You can’t control the past or the future. You can’t spend you time worrying about what might happen, and you know this. But if something does happen, wouldn’t you want to be painting that mural or writing that book you’ve been dreaming about instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop?
  4. No, we aren’t going to tell you to drop your partner. Only you know if that’s the best option for you. But if they are the trigger for you to turn into the Sherlock Homegirl… we may want to consider this option. But also know you may need to cut your man some slack. Running isn’t always the option, don’t be afraid to work on yourself or apologize when it’s needed.

Now for Mr. Fix It. I’m just going to give you some bullet points so it’s easy to follow along. We know you don’t like to read. If you’ve gotten this far, round of applause. And not the kind you get in the strip club.

  • Check yourself. What are you doing and what could you do different?
  • Make more deposits. Tell your girl she’s beautiful and that you love her pancake booty. Surprise her with gifts. Shower her with love!
  • Listen to her! You’d be surprised how many times you might avoid an issue.
  • Be honest, and truthful about how you want to change and what you’re going to do to fix things that went wrong in the past.
  • Let her know, gently, when she’s taking her investigation or her words too far. You’re not your mistakes or the last guys.
  • If you love her, don’t give up. It’s hard to find love these days, if it’s worth it, and she’s trying, don’t give up!

Bottom line, no one starts off crazy and no one is saying that you have to deal with it. If one person is acting out in a relationship, it’s possible that you both have things you need to fix. But work with each other, not against each other. If you both truly love one another then you have the same goal in mind. It’s not going to be easy and it will be uncomfortable but it will be worth it!

**If you can think of some other tips or tricks on overcoming issues in a relationship, leave us a comment below! We can use all the help we can get :)**

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